While you're busy adding Twitter followers, I'm on some next level shit. You heard me, bro. I'm diversifying my online profile with Brazilians. There are a bazillion of them, so this plan is utterly braziliant.
In 5 years you'll just be learning Portuguese, while I'll be a celebrity member of Brazilian high society. I'll be Brazilian Jerry Lewis(h). (I realize he was an American icon in France, and that this metaphor doesn't fully work, but bare the with me I'm on some next level shit.)
Brazilian teenagers are going to rule the world in like six months, because they're really fucking good at the internet. It's their
Mad Men. While you're focused on finding out if you get to see that redhead's boobs (I've never seen that show) they're addicted to adding friends.
You think it's cool that you only follow 57 people, and have 1,778 followers? Well these fucking kids follow like 57,234 people and have like 177,895 followers. That's reach motherfucker.
They can get millions of their friends to bring the Jonas Brothers to São Paulo. Have you ever gotten the Jonas Brothers anywhere?
When I'm a Brazilian celebrity, I'll be rolling
reais. (They pronounce it "hey-ice", which I'll probably use in a song once I start my Portuguese R&B career... ["Hey Ice, hey Ice //
Obrigado for all my reais, reais"])
I'm going to be offered free meals at Fogo de Chão every night. I'll have so many followers that other airplane magazine restaurants will want to impress me with their steaks. And steaks will be the only thing that'll impress me, because I'll have it all. (Steaks go bad, so you have to constantly get new ones, which will constantly impress me.)
They will amend their constitution to allow me to lead their country. Some weird loophole like "the president must have been born in California, and be pretty funny or whatever." As President of Brazil I'll continue
Lula's legacy as a diplomat in African affairs. I'll help develop African economies, but not for altruism or for money, but to increase my web presence. I'll start an African social network, and be the default first friend. Boom. Billions of people will know who I am. That's world domination. It's like a game of Risk mixed with the game of Life. My Life. (I'll be so rich, I'll make my own version. [cooler job choices {professional ice cream taster, pro napper, executive director of 'smoking weed & chilling out.'])
So all I'm trying to say is: if you want to keep up with my next level shit, you should diversify your web presence, and probably learn some Portuguese. Anyway "Add Me", or as we say in Brazil, "Me Adiciona.."
http://www.meadiciona.com.br/heller