7-11s in La Condesa.

7-11s in Mexico City are more interesting than domestic 7-11's.



Bacon wraps and beers.



"Un cancion de Café Select."

I went to Mexico. I have some more stories... hold up.

The Hills are Fake

The Hills are Fake



Unwritten jokes about: Simulacrum, Ontology, Reality Television, Post-Industrial Consumer Capitalism, Fake Tans

Avoiding Awkwardness Through Escapism

I arrived at the dive bar before my friends did. An old man was yelling at the television.

"I can't believe their still showing 'Bobby Mays' commercials."
"Yeah, you're right I think 'Bobby Mays' died of cancer."

Perhaps they weren't internet savvy enough to know the name of the telemarketer, or were too drunk to hear him announce it, but I knew I didn't really want to make small talk with these people. So I started pushing buttons on my smart phone.

Our gadgets open a portal into a parallel world that exists simultaneously at any moment.

We use our devices to avoid awkward moments. We don't need to meet strangers we aren't interested in because we can instantly connect with people we actually care about.

I think it's important to interact in the physical realm, but I don't have any shame in opting out when I feel like it.

(That being said, it's probably not cool for you to tweet while we're meeting for dinner.... unless it's HILARIOUS!!!)

Brazilian Web Celebrity

While you're busy adding Twitter followers, I'm on some next level shit. You heard me, bro. I'm diversifying my online profile with Brazilians. There are a bazillion of them, so this plan is utterly braziliant.

In 5 years you'll just be learning Portuguese, while I'll be a celebrity member of Brazilian high society. I'll be Brazilian Jerry Lewis(h).  (I realize he was an American icon in France, and that this metaphor doesn't fully work, but bare the with me I'm on some next level shit.)

Brazilian teenagers are going to rule the world in like six months, because they're really fucking good at the internet. It's their Mad Men. While you're focused on finding out if you get to see that redhead's boobs (I've never seen that show) they're addicted to adding friends.

You think it's cool that you only follow 57 people, and have 1,778 followers? Well these fucking kids follow like 57,234 people and have like 177,895 followers. That's reach motherfucker.

They can get millions of their friends to bring the Jonas Brothers to São Paulo. Have you ever gotten the Jonas Brothers anywhere?

When I'm a Brazilian celebrity, I'll be rolling reais. (They pronounce it "hey-ice", which I'll probably use in a song once I start my Portuguese R&B career... ["Hey Ice, hey Ice // Obrigado for all my reais, reais"])

I'm going to be offered free meals at Fogo de Chão every night. I'll have so many followers that other airplane magazine restaurants will want to impress me with their steaks. And steaks will be the only thing that'll impress me, because I'll have it all. (Steaks go bad, so you have to constantly get new ones, which will constantly impress me.)

They will amend their constitution to allow me to lead their country. Some weird loophole like "the president must have been born in California, and be pretty funny or whatever." As President of Brazil I'll continue Lula's legacy as a diplomat in African affairs. I'll help develop African economies, but not for altruism or for money, but to increase my web presence. I'll start an African social network, and be the default first friend. Boom. Billions of people will know who I am. That's world domination. It's like a game of Risk mixed with the game of Life. My Life. (I'll be so rich, I'll make my own version. [cooler job choices {professional ice cream taster, pro napper, executive director of 'smoking weed & chilling out.'])

So all I'm trying to say is: if you want to keep up with my next level shit, you should diversify your web presence, and probably learn some Portuguese. Anyway "Add Me", or as we say in Brazil, "Me Adiciona.."

http://www.meadiciona.com.br/heller

Debunking anti-Islamic sentiment

I received this email:

Subject: Fw: Iman was one of the ones who flew the airplane into the world trade center...... Muslim Holiday

----- Original Message -----

IT'S JUST THE START AND AS LONG AS WE LET THIS FESTER THE WORSE THE CANCER IS GOING TO BE AND THE MORE LOSS OF LIFE BY VIOLENT DEATH WILL WE HAVE TO FACE.... 
Can't the mall management do anything.  Or the locals?  Why do we allow this?

   Harwin Central  Mall: The very first store that you come to when you walk from the lobby  of the building into the shopping area had this sign posted on their door.  The shop is run by Muslims.  Feel free to share this with  others. 

Imam Ali flew one of the planes into the twin  towers.

Try telling me we're  not in a Religious war! 

THIS HAS NOT BEEN AROUND! Help spread it! 

This is clearly inaccurate. I had five spare minutes, so I decided to debunk it.

I did some sleuthing on this and discovered that it isn't accurate.

There are no known September 11th attackers who used the name "Imam Ali."

Imam is the Arabic word for an Islamic religious leader. Ali is a very common name in Arabic.

I found a website that celebrates Imam Ali also known as Ali ibn Abi Talib, an early leader of the Muslim faith. He died on the 21st day of the Arabic month of Ramadan in 661 AD. In 2009 the 21st day of Ramadan was September 11th.

This is a mere coincidence. These owners of this backpack shop closed to celebrate a religious holiday.

The people who wrote this e-mail put their ideology before their logic.

RE: Wayne's World Street View Picture

Other images from this map show the Wayne's World dudes noticed the camera.

I reckon they were headed to a "fancy dress" party.

This is an example of pop culture recycling itself.

Wayne's World started as a sketch Saturday Night live ---> Became a popular film ---> Entered the zeitgeist ---> Shared cultural context makes this a "funny" costume ---> Costume captured by Google's Panopticon ---> Image circulates ad infinitum.

Wayne's World Street View Picture

This Google Street View image of guys that resemble the cast of Wayne's World, just broke.

I predict it will be the most popular picture of the upcoming week.